


Dean Sorts Things Out

by GlassRoom



Series: Dean and Cas [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Little smut, M/M, Porn, Quickie, Sexy Times, Time Alone, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 02:35:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6034750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlassRoom/pseuds/GlassRoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean needs to figure out what's bothering him and how to deal with it</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean Sorts Things Out

**Author's Note:**

> Dean has some trouble, Cas is understanding...and a quickie

Dean drifted awake steadily, immediately comforted by the heavy weight curled up against him. They had moved around during the night, creating a tangle of limbs. Dean normally only tolerated cuddling from the women he'd been with. It was never bad but also never really his thing. Somehow it was different with Cas. All Dean wanted to do was cuddle, touch, and stroke him all the time. 

Stress and reality seeped into Dean slowly, cutting away at the comfortable embrace, making him restless. He tried to adjust against Cas hoping he could fall back asleep. No such luck. Instead he found he was getting agitated. Fearing he might wake Cas in his fussing, he gently extricated himself and eased off the bed. Cas' only acknowledgement was a sleepy grumble. Dean found his robe in the dark and put it on. He cast a final glance at Cas sleeping before turning the doorknob to leave.

Dean startled at the rustling sound on the door. There was a bag hanging off the outside doorknob. _Really?_ He thought. He peeked in the bag and saw several different brands of lube. _Oh yeah_ , he giggled softly. As soundlessly as he could he put the bag just inside the door. Then he left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

He figured since he was up he should probably empty his bladder, so he did. Not quite sure what to do with himself he wandered the bunker in the dark, relishing in the solitude for a while. _It must be really early,_ he thought. The bunker had that feel of a world asleep and unaware. There was barely any light so everything was soft and slightly out of focus. Shadowy corners made each room look different, like they were more private or full of secrets. Dean found this quietude exceptionally comforting. Muscles he hadn't been aware he'd tensed were slowly loosening up. He felt like he could finally just think. Empty his mind without distractions or expectations.

_Today we go find Cas' grace. It's not far, it should go fine, so what the fuck is bothering me?_ he thought as he meandered into the library. Not bothering with lights he found a leather wing chair and sank into it. _Cas wants his grace, we are capable hunters, Cas is staying home. Home._ That word hasn't felt that good on his lips in a long time. Cas feels like home. Dean closed his eyes to absorb the peace without disruption. One by one his worries bubbled to the surface of his mind. He tried to acknowledge each one without thinking too hard about it.

First there was the idea that they wouldn't come home. That's always a possibility. And it never mattered until right this very goddamn second.

Next there was the idea that they wouldn't find Cas' grace. Then they would have to continue the search and put themselves at risk some more. 

Dean brought his knees up under his chin. He curled into a ball against the back the chair as if to become one of the shadows in the room.

And the idea that he really had no clue what was involved in the hunt for grace. _I know Sam has explained it, more than once, but I was not listening at all. No, my mind was on how and when to kiss Cas._ For the first time ever he was going into a hunt blind, and that was unsettling. _Easy enough, just ask Sam in the car._ But still. 

That led to the next idea...did he even want to hunt any more? He used to like it, it gave him purpose. Now he wanted to just be with Cas. Doing...anything. Except the 'anythings' that put his life on the line. _Oh my god do I want to settle down like some suburban dude? What the fuck, brain? Isn't that Sammy's thing for fuck's sake?_

Then the biggest bubble rose to the surface of Dean's mind. He hadn't actually used any words to tell Cas how much he means to him. _What words could there be? Are there words big enough? Does he think I'm only interested in the mind-blowing orgasms he provides? Or that I only want him around with his grace so he can fix me up? How do I even ask him any of this? I told him he was important to me, is that enough? Does Cas understand how much I really care? Why is it even important that I say it out loud? What does it matter if he can read my mind? Cas seems to feel the same way....right?_

Dean rubbed his face with his hands. He was tired but not sleepy at all. In the past he would either grab a beer and listen to music or grab a girl and screw her until he was tired. Neither of those things appealed to him at all right now and that surprised him a little. He wasn't interested in having sex with any other person other than Cas for the rest of his days on Earth. And beer would just fog his thoughts, something he thought he liked but right now he wanted clarity. He threw his legs off the chair and sat with his elbows on his knees, head in hands. _Fuck!_ He scrubbed his scalp with his fingers. Everything was just too much. Too much change. Too many new feelings. Too hard. Too much to lose. He could feel his throat closing, trying to choke back the sob resting in his chest. _I'm not gonna cry like some little girl!_ He admonished. _Not gonna happen._ Even as he thought it he could feel the tear slip out and carve a path to the stubble on his chin. 

He jerked himself out of the chair as roughly as he could. _Fuck!_ Head down he took a deep breath to calm himself. Once he no longer felt like bursting into tears he shoved his hands in his robe pockets and left the library. The bunker's quiet air swirled around him as he wandered through the war room. Without thinking of anything at all, Dean meandered from room to room as if to check for safety. There were no windows to lock, but it didn't stop him from letting his eyes sweep around each room. He looked at nothing in particular at the same time as memorizing every detail he saw.

Eventually he found himself back at his bedroom door. He had no idea how long he'd been moping around. Dean opened the door as quietly as he could so he wouldn't disturb Cas' sleep. Not that it mattered, he was sitting up reading a book. 

“Hey,” Cas said quietly, letting the book rest on his thighs.

“Hey. I was...uh....” Dean had no idea what to say. _Wandering around doing nothing? Watching the shadows? Thinking? Checking if the doors were locked?_

“I know,” is all Cas said.

Dean slipped out of his robe, draped it over the foot of the bed, and got between the sheets. Cas put a bookmark in his book, put it on the end table, and turned off the light. Both settled in for more sleep. Dean on his back, Cas curling into Dean's side with his head on Dean's shoulder.

“What do you know?” Dean asked when they were done adjusting themselves.

“I know you wanted to be alone.” Cas stated simply.

Dean took that in. “I thought you didn't have any grace left, how could you know I wanted to be alone?” The words came out more irritably then he'd planned.

Cas thought about it for a moment. “I can still sense things with the residual grace. I went to look for you and caught the feeling like you wanted to be alone for a while.” 

Dean made a noncommittal noise. He wasn't sure how he felt about Cas just 'knowing' stuff. 

“It bothers you, doesn't it.” Cas observed. 

Dean found it a bit infuriating that Cas was correct. “Yes and no,” he hedged. “I guess I should be flattered that you figured it out and left me to it. I'm just used to more privacy is all. Not used to...any of this.” Dean shifted uncomfortably.

Cas took the opportunity to extricate himself from Dean's embrace. He sat up on the edge of the bed facing away from Dean. “I can go to my room if you want. If you think it will help you sleep better.” He made no move to get up or lie down.

Dean thought about that. He did want to be alone but he also wanted to stay within arm's reach of Cas. “I dunno. Maybe? No. Hey...can we talk?” Dean blurted. _Fuck. Now what am I supposed to say?_ He stretched his arm out to drag his fingers down Cas' back where he could reach.

Cas loosened up at Dean's touch. “Yes, we can talk,” Cas assured.

They both stayed where they were, Dean drawing circles on Cas' back, Cas sitting staring at the floor between his feet. Silence fell between them. Silence full of words with no order.

Cas eventually broke it. “One of us has to go first.” When Dean made no sound, Cas jumped in. “One of the things I don't like about being human is how lonely it is. I can only vaguely hear the Angel Radio, some longings, stuff like that. But I'm accustomed to always having other thoughts and prayers in my head like...” Cas gestured, unable to find the words.

“White noise?” Dean provided.

“Yes, exactly. White noise. Without it things are much too quiet for me. I don't like it.” The last sentence was so quiet Dean almost missed it. 

Dean considered that for a bit. “So, when you woke and I wasn't here, it bothered you?” He tried to keep the frustration out of his voice. There definitely were times he preferred being alone with his thoughts.

“No. Well, yes, but no. I mean,” Cas paused as if to gather his thoughts. “I can't hear your thoughts. I know, I shouldn't be listening but sometimes I can't help it. Except...except now I can't hear your thoughts _at all._ And I don't know...how you...feel about what we've been doing.” Cas hung his head and waited.

Dean's hand stilled on Cas' back. His mouth went dry with mild panic. Before he could think about it too much he sat up so he could see Cas better. “How do _you_ feel about what we've been doing?” _Does he want to stop? Is it not what he thought it would be?_

Cas tilted his head towards Dean. “You are the only one I ever wanted to do these things with. I tried being with a woman when I was human. More to see why you liked it than anything else. But...it's always been only you.” Cas admitted in a small voice. 

For a moment Dean couldn't breathe. His first attempt at talking failed, so did the second. Instead of trying again he reached out and put his hand on Cas' shoulder. “Cas,” he finally croaked. “Cas. I...the same way...I...same...” Dean realized he was making no sense. He squeezed Cas' shoulder hoping he would look up, he did. Dean tried again while staring at those beautiful, slightly frightened eyes. “I only want to be with you. Nobody else. I don't want to have any kind of sexual anything with anyone other than you.” Dean watched relief paint Cas' face adorably. Dean gathered his courage from somewhere deep inside. “But it's more than just physical for me. Not just sex. I really....care about you...a lot.” he blurted all at once then held his breath.

Cas moved in to take Dean in his arms. With his face buried in Dean's neck he declared, “I care about you too, Dean. I would like to be your boyfriend, if you'll have me that way.” Cas added shyly.

“Ok,” Dean breathed again, returning the hug. “Yes, I would like that, yeah. That's...yeah. So we're...uh...in a relationship then?” he asked nervously. 

“Yes, please.” Cas gushed. Dean squeezed him a little harder. For a while they simply held each other, breathing each other in. Dean eventually indicated for them to lie down again. The day was catching up with him and tomorrow was going to be difficult. Cas took the lead this time, rolling Dean onto his side, pressing himself up against Dean's back. From there he was able to wrap his arms around Dean to protect him from whatever demons were bothering him.

Dean sighed contentedly. Before giving in to sleep he heard Cas inhale as if he had something he wanted to say and then pause. “Cas, something on your mind?” he mumbled.

Cas nosed Dean's hair. “Why do you like being alone? I find it so empty,” he whispered to Dean's head.

“I dunno. I just...it's like sometimes I can't think. Being alone makes it so I can sort stuff out.” Dean rolled over to face Cas. “Is that a problem?” Dean asked worriedly, searching Cas' face.

Cas smiled a little. “No, I just didn't understand.” He leaned in to kiss Dean lightly. 

The remaining tension eased out of Dean. He drew Cas to him, his lips close to Cas' ear. “I love you,” he confided in a low voice.

“Oh Dean, I love you too,” Cas vowed. 

Dean held onto Cas as he rode the wave of euphoria to sleep.

~~~~~

Dean woke first, feeling extremely well rested. For the first time in a while he was completely relaxed and generally ok with the world. Cas moved in the night and was now Dean's little spoon. Cas was _here._ Cas said he loved him. He told Cas the same thing. Cas was his boyfriend. _Boyfriend._ The word alone made Dean feel like his belly was full of excited bees. He wanted to tell the world that Cas chose _him_ and _him only_...and at the same time wanted to keep that nugget to himself. That way he could relish in the feeling privately, hold it close before anyone could take it away.

He soon realized there was a part of him that was definitely not relaxed. A stiffening part of him that wanted to be stroked by his boyfriend. At first he pressed himself against Cas, hoping he'd wake up. Cas grumbled, burrowing his head into the pillow. Dean was having none of that. Nope. He started kissing Cas' shoulder while stroking his arm. That slowly brought Cas out of sleep.

“What'chu doin'?” came a muffled voice buried in a pillow.

“Waking you up.... _boyfriend._ ” Dean moved his kisses to Cas' neck. His hand found its way under Cas' shirt to explore the planes of his chest and abs. 

Cas moaned slightly as he pushed back into Dean. “Still sleepy... _boyfriend_ ,” Cas muttered.

“You want me to stop?” Dean teased. While waiting for an answer he took his hand from under Cas' shirt so he could cup Cas' lovely behind. “Boyfriend?” After a squeeze or two Dean slid his hand back up Cas' shirt, grazing the waistband of his pants along the way.

“...no...making it hard...” Cas squirmed against Dean.

“That's the idea.” Dean burrowed his head in Cas' neck again, adding gentle sucking to the kisses. Cas shifted to allow better access.

“...hard to sleep...” Cas clarified huskily. Cas reached behind him to move his hand over the hardness in Dean's pants.

It was Dean's turn to moan. He froze for a moment, panting hot breath on Cas' neck while Cas rubbed him through his pants. Dean was surprised at how close to the edge he was getting. “Cas, you better stop,” Dean gasped. Cas stopped and pulled his hand away. Dean's hips followed Cas' hand briefly. Cas re-positioned himself so that he was grinding his backside against Dean's pelvis. “You are not making it easy for me to last, Cas.”

Cas just hummed in response. Without warning he stopped and rolled over. “Naked, please?” Cas inquired in between small kisses on Dean's lips. He was already grabbing at Dean's shirt, trying to get it off. 

Dean separated himself to tear his clothes off. Once his pants were on the floor he noticed Cas had also made quick work of getting naked. “You are so beautiful,” Dean declared, staring at the long muscles in Cas' legs and torso. He ran his hand up Cas' leg, intending to go slow. Cas had a different plan. He pulled Dean on top of him, anchoring him there by gripping Dean around his waist. For just a moment they lay still, feeling the pressure of each other. Dean held himself up by resting on his forearms so he wouldn't crush Cas. 

Cas tipped his head back into the pillow as he slowly started to grind his hips against Dean's. “...love...this...feeling...” Cas admitted while rolling his hips.

“Hey...got an idea,” Dean forced his weight down on Cas so he would stop rutting. Cas whimpered and tried to keep going. “Hmmmm...wait,” Dean slid off Cas, kissing him on his way up. He zipped over to the bag on the floor by the door. Fumbling for a moment he grabbed the first bottle of lube he could find in the bag. On his way back to the bed he peeled off the cellophane wrapper and unscrewed the cap. He managed to get the bottle liner off in one go and put the cap back on. “Ok, you ready?” Dean looked up and lost his breath.

Cas looked magnificent. Tousled hair, pleading eyes, chest heaving, limbs splayed out, hips bucking gently, fingers lightly gripping the bottom sheet. “Dean,” he pleaded. “Come back.”

Dean's breath stuttered in his chest at the huskiness of Cas' words. Remembering what he was doing, he popped the cap and squirted some lube on his hand. He closed the lid, dropped the bottle to the floor, and rubbed his hands together briefly. “Ok, ready?” he asked breathlessly. Cas nodded, looking a bit confused.

Dean moved back onto the bed, straddling Cas. He lined up their erections as best he could, made a tunnel out of his hands, and then slowly pushed his lubed hands down the shafts, circling them both. Cas cried out immediately, thrusting hard into Dean's hands. “Wait... _wait_...” Dean begged. He separated himself from Cas slightly to get lube all around every inch of their hardness before making a tunnel with his hands again. 

“Do it again, please Dean, do it _again,_ now...do it _now_...Dean... _please_...” Cas babbled. Dean obliged. The slickness felt better than anything else he'd ever tried on himself. Cas' hard cock sliding around Dean's as he fisted them both drove Dean wild. He could feel himself thickening with his impending orgasm. _I should have bought lube long ago, he thought._

__“Cas, not gonna last...Cas.” He felt two hands join him for a moment and then disappear. Before he had time to wonder what was happening he felt Cas' slick fingers drag across his nipples. Now it was Dean crying out. Between Cas' slippery fingers teasing his nibs and Cas getting harder under his hands he lost it. He tried to keep the rhythm going for Cas as his orgasm ripped through him. Vaguely he heard Cas calling out something in Enochian as he pulsed in Dean's hand, spraying come everywhere._ _

__Dean collapsed down onto Cas, grabbing him with sticky hands while he ground out the last of his aftershocks. Cas met his pace eagerly, seeking Dean's mouth with his own. They slowed down when the nerves became too sensitive for them to continue. “That went a lot faster than I thought,” Dean apologized._ _

__“....felt...so...good...” was all Cas could utter._ _

__Dean rolled off him and onto his back. “I don't even know how to begin cleaning this up,” he laughed gently. He was sticky everywhere, so was Cas, so were the sheets. He looked over at Cas. “Shit I think I even got it in your hair.”_ _

__Cas giggled obscenely as he rubbed Dean's head. “You too, now.”_ _

__“All right. Yep. I'm done,” Dean stated with amusement. He used the sheet to get most of the mess off of him and Cas. “Hey Cas, do me a favour today?” Cas hummed a questioning noise as he let Dean clean him up. “You wanna put a load of laundry in so the sheets are clean for when we get back?” Cas hummed his assent. “Thanks, really. Boyfriend.” Dean smiled down at Cas._ _

__Cas smiled back at Dean. “No problem. Boyfriend. Now shower?”_ _

__“Yeah, absolutely. Shower and breakfast.” Dean fished for his robe that had fallen on the floor. He shrugged into it and helped Cas into his. One final, long, deep kiss and they were off to get clean._ _


End file.
